Trigger Warning- This post is a raw entry regarding my personal experience with miscarriage.
photo by Summer Days Photography
Yesterday was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. This topic is a raw one, but I feel its important for me to share this unwanted sisterhood I’m apart of.
A few months ago I was laying in bed-half asleep. This topic came to me, and I know this may sound silly, but the words for the blog post filled me. (If only I could remember them now.. lol) I literally started to write this post in my head while I was “sleeping.” I woke up thinking that was weird, but as a sign that I needed to express my journey to others. A few days later I had dinner with a friend. She confided in me that she recently suffered a miscarriage and how she was emotionally doing. In that moment it hit me. It was as if God was preparing me to console her during this extremely sad time in her life.
Did you know one in four women suffer from a loss?! However, NO ONE talks about it! I personally found that I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable. I told close family and my best friends. Although, who was this protecting… me or them? Talking about my stories(s) has aided me to come to peace with my two angel babies that I have yet to meet earth-side.
The amount of despair and anger you feel when you miscarriage is something I would never wish upon anyone. It is the deepest, most devastating emotional ache and there is nothing you can do to change it. There are a million feelings that flood you, and at the top is the thought that something is “wrong with you.”
Turns out something was wrong with me. Blake and I got married in December 2013 and shortly after our honeymoon I found out I was pregnant.
“WHAT?!? OMG, I’M NOT READY FOR THAT?!”
I was excited, but also scared and didn’t think it was a “good time.” Shortly after, I miscarried around 7 weeks. I was at work, teaching my class of fourth graders. This is probably one of the worst places to start a miscarriage. I quickly left work while my students were at P.E. and I went to the hospital. They preformed an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat and we were completely devastated. At this point we had warmed up to the idea of being parents and the excitement started to over shadow the fear of “not being ready.” However, we didn’t realize our sadness was about to break into a million more pieces. The doctor also informed us that I had a heart-shaped uterus and this was probably the cause of the miscarriage due to lack of blood flow in my uterus wall.
They informed us that I had a Bicornuate Uterus/ a”heart-shaped uterus.” This issue would most likely prevent us from having children. The news punched me in the gut harder than I can describe. I’ve ALWAYS envisioned having children – I LOVE children! How could I not have my very own?!
We quickly visited a fertility specialist.
https://www.hfi-ivf.com/meet-your-team/doctors/jason-griffith/
Doctor Griffith has been our Doctor for years. He is the most calm and carrying doctor I have ever met. When you’re in this position you want someone to be assertive, but also be there to console you from your loss. If you are in the Houston area, I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Griffith!
Thankfully, after many doctor appointments and surgery prep they were able to correct my issue. I’m VERY LUCKY that they were able to do so. Not all women who have this problem can get the result I received.
Fast forward a few months later and things were “fixed.” My appropriate time to heal had passed, and I was emotionally ready to try again. (being emotionally ready is a huge step to trying again).
Good news! We were pregnant again! I was so overjoyed that our prayers had been answered and the surgery worked. I immediately started taking my many medicines prescribed by Doctor Griffith. (Boring details… but I also had hormonal issues as well that needed assistance from medicine to stay pregnant.)
Things were going great! I was about ten weeks in and then …. I miscarried. The amount of anger and devastation hit me harder than before. I had done everything to fix and prevent this from reoccurring.
I remember thinking, “What did I DO WRONG?!?”
In retrospect, the answer is… nothing! YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! This idea is so hard for us to grasp in the moment. It was not our choice to miscarry. We didn’t do anything to provoke this sad event. You have to be gentle with yourself.
With that being said, in the moment, I have never felt such a deep sadness and frustration in my entire life. I don’t remember many details of this miscarriage other than the D&C procedure. If you aren’t familiar with this; a D&C is a surgical procedure to remove the baby that is no longer living and to clean out the womb etc. I remember vividly laying on the table about to be put under and sobbing uncontrollably. With my arms bound to the table; the nurse wiped my tears with the cotton pad and gave me oxygen. I wanted to scream out for them not to proceed because I didn’t want this pregnancy to end. Sadly, I knew the truth that the pregnancy was technically over for days- maybe weeks prior, and had to come to terms with this. This information maybe too raw for most to read. However, if you’ve been through this – you understand the level of emotional pain I was feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
This second loss emotionally screwed me up for MANY months. I wasn’t myself. I was bitter, distant, and to top it off eating my feelings and gaining too much weight. I had given up and thrown in the towel. I was depressed. I would cry all the time because I felt so alone. I remember reading blogs and forums on pregnancy sites late at night while I couldn’t sleep. Entires from years prior; past stories from women. I was desperately seeking comfort in those who had similar situations as me. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone.
Of course my husband was there, so I wasn’t truly alone. However, men grieve so differently from women in a time like that. They weren’t the ones with life inside of them. They don’t have to go through it physically with all the blood, gross aftermath, and hormone imbalances. They are sad of course, but not on the emotional and hormonal scale us women are.
It’s interesting, as I wrote this entry I tried to recall an accurate timeline and details of where I was etc. Although, I had trouble recalling most of my experiences other than feeling such a deep level of despair. It’s almost like I’ve mentally blocked out my experiences to help myself move on.
I think about my angel babies a lot. What could have been. Then I remind myself that I probably wouldn’t have Scarlett or Luke. I feel so incredibly blessed to have carried them to term and that they are healthy and thriving. They are my light at the end of a dark storm – they are my rainbow babies, and I thank God daily for them.
If you made it this far in my blog post – props to you! It’s a long, raw, and emotionally charged entry.
I hope this post is a warm hug to those who are currently suffering or have suffered a devastating loss of a child. You are NOT ALONE in the unwanted sisterhood we did not wish to be members of.